New Years Resolution

For years I have found myself saying that I am going to do things, accomplish things, go places, etc. and never really getting around to doing all of them. I have goals in my life that I want to accomplish and unless I get started with them, I'm not sure that I will ever accomplish them. I always seem to find a reason as to why I shouldn't do these things I say I am going to do. Then I always find myself telling myself that I should have done that thing I told myself I was going to do.

Well, not this year. This year I am going to start doing these things I have always said I was going to do. For starters, I will be going back to school starting the 15th of this month. But I am not going to stop there. I am going to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish before I die. Like making a goal list or like that new movie that just came out, a "Bucket List." I will evaluate each goal separately and decide the steps I need to take in order to accomplish these goals.

I can hear you now... "Ya right, whatever, everyone says this...." damnit I am going to do it. I started off the year by saying I had a mission of lucid dreaming, I have made very good progress in that mission. I haven't had a lucid dream yet but since I am focusing on that, I can remember my dreams more easily. I used to remember maybe one dream per night if I was lucky. Well, now I am steadily remembering at least three dreams per night. The problem I am having is that I am waking up after each one that I remember. I am working on that though.

Oh and another thing I am going to do is find out the answers to my questions right away. Whenever I say "I wonder if..." I will find the answer to that question no matter what it takes. Also, I plan to go snowboarding at least 3 times this year. Stay tuned.....

Let's Take a Walk Through My Head

I was just sitting here at work thinking about how it is that I came to be where I am today and where I would like to be. My job is OK I guess. I get paid decent and really, the job is easy. The only problem is that I started this job right out of high school and only did it for the money. I also waited 9 years to go to college.

In no way shape or form did I ever imagine myself where I am today. I never thought that I would be living in the city I live in, I never thought I would have the job that I have, and I never thought I would spend my days daydreaming of better things. That could be the problem, I never thought. I thought about the things I always wanted to do but I never planned them out to make them happen. Every time I was close to making something happen, I would screw it up somehow. Except for the wonderful woman that I have. I almost screwed that one up too but luckily saved it somehow.

So now I want all those things that I wanted when I was young, and more, but they are still out of my reach. What does it take to get these things? Patience, opportunity will knock someday? I'm almost out of patience. Here I am 29 years old and the only thing I have to show for my life is a wonderful woman. Don't get me wrong, that is enough to bring me up when I am down. But what about the rest of our lives? Kids, marriage, what then? I will work harder than ever to give them the things that they want and the life that they want, only to achieve a minimum for myself. Is that they way my life was planned?

I know that if you want something you need to go out and get it, but how come everything is so damn hard to obtain? Maybe I'm just blabbing nonsense here but I have to get it off my chest. Here I set at work everyday dreaming of something more. Dreaming of the perfect life where money is not a problem and I am happy at my job, where I live, and everything else. This is not for me and it was never meant for me, but it is what I have. Somehow, things need to change.

I also know that I am not alone here. There are thousands of people that did not expect to be where they are, and really, just don't like where they are. Somehow we all make the best of whatever is thrown at us, no matter the obstacle. Strange how things work out in life. So with all this said, what then is success? Is it one of those philosophical words that has no meaning other than what you yourself make of it? In other words, what is success to you? If so, then I am not successful.

This whole thing might not make any sense to you but it makes sense to me. Just trying to figure things out. Funny thing is, I have been trying to figure things out for about 15 years now.