Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Let's Take a Walk Through My Head

I was just sitting here at work thinking about how it is that I came to be where I am today and where I would like to be. My job is OK I guess. I get paid decent and really, the job is easy. The only problem is that I started this job right out of high school and only did it for the money. I also waited 9 years to go to college.

In no way shape or form did I ever imagine myself where I am today. I never thought that I would be living in the city I live in, I never thought I would have the job that I have, and I never thought I would spend my days daydreaming of better things. That could be the problem, I never thought. I thought about the things I always wanted to do but I never planned them out to make them happen. Every time I was close to making something happen, I would screw it up somehow. Except for the wonderful woman that I have. I almost screwed that one up too but luckily saved it somehow.

So now I want all those things that I wanted when I was young, and more, but they are still out of my reach. What does it take to get these things? Patience, opportunity will knock someday? I'm almost out of patience. Here I am 29 years old and the only thing I have to show for my life is a wonderful woman. Don't get me wrong, that is enough to bring me up when I am down. But what about the rest of our lives? Kids, marriage, what then? I will work harder than ever to give them the things that they want and the life that they want, only to achieve a minimum for myself. Is that they way my life was planned?

I know that if you want something you need to go out and get it, but how come everything is so damn hard to obtain? Maybe I'm just blabbing nonsense here but I have to get it off my chest. Here I set at work everyday dreaming of something more. Dreaming of the perfect life where money is not a problem and I am happy at my job, where I live, and everything else. This is not for me and it was never meant for me, but it is what I have. Somehow, things need to change.

I also know that I am not alone here. There are thousands of people that did not expect to be where they are, and really, just don't like where they are. Somehow we all make the best of whatever is thrown at us, no matter the obstacle. Strange how things work out in life. So with all this said, what then is success? Is it one of those philosophical words that has no meaning other than what you yourself make of it? In other words, what is success to you? If so, then I am not successful.

This whole thing might not make any sense to you but it makes sense to me. Just trying to figure things out. Funny thing is, I have been trying to figure things out for about 15 years now.

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